16 February Thursday..258

~PLEASE NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!


258

I thought I had more time. I haven't been truly disabled for a while. I needed 6 more months at least to get my nursing licence and to get Alex squared away with his drivers licence. 

I got a letter in the mail, which is requesting a review of my recent work history. Including if my doctor has released me for work.Which hasn't

t happened They may want a medical review, which under insured I can't afford.. So I have 3 months to get my nursing licence ..or less. Here's hoping SSD just lets me slide with a lesser amount.

Doing my run workout...looks like we will be living on alot of rice.

Peace and rice cakes..

Jase

14 February Tuesday 260

~PLEASE NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!


260


The entire point of the excersize is to keep trying. slip one day get up keep going..maybe that will be the story of my life, but  I could just quit. I could really just give up and quit. Just read my son's blog, and it seems like he truly hates me.  I've meditated. I go to my dad's overnight. I feel like I'm being strangled at this point. Truly being strangled.

Sunday 12 February 262

~PLEASE NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

262

There are things I want to do yet I am not6 doing them. Study daily..starts next week. Lift weights. Finish several unfinished bits of art, and keep promises of gifts to friends. I will most likely have to keep the computer unplugged while I do this.My dad expects me to live at his house on my days off. And I kinda have to. It would be easier if my brother didn't do things that got him hurt.
I've been talking to myself...angry, having arguments with people who aren't there and getting caught. Some days I want to just run off to the Canadian wilderness and not be found. Between my dad and my son....I have no life.


Jase

Friday February 10th 264

~~PLEASE NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

264

I've discovered the healing power of "Ohm" By sounding it during meditation, my thoughts go lickety split, then when I stop I have a clarity that is marvelous. No clue why my mind does that. Interesting trick. I bought a trampoline. A small one but a trampoline nonetheless. I've started using a workout video that includes jogging in place...Had a talk with my dad about food and excersize.

As long as I mention getting in shape in the breath after regaining my nursing licence he is supportive. Pisses me off.  But I can't let that stop me from opening a possibility to get a better job.

Peace and brownies..

Jase

203#

Tuesday 7 February 267 days left.

~~PLEASE NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

267

Full moon tonight. Time for a bit of ritual, much needed. Reaffirming this process. I've lost touch with feeling it. I've lost touch with working it. In AA you're supposed to work every your program as hard as you worked at being an addict. A meeting for every day you weren't sober.  Would I hit the "Reset" button right now? 

No.

Feb, March and April are a time for breaking fundamental patterns.

Biggest ones to tackle are those with my family, Alex and my dad.

Patterns.

I want to be physically fit.I really don't like my body the way it is.Want to look more masculine. Soft and fluffy in the middle is an oreo double stuff. Not a guy.  Walking 6 of 7 days a week. Get running shoes.Try a bit of jogging. Start lifting three days a week.

I want to get my nursing licence. I need to study a couple days a week. More money. Plus, it is a step on the way to getting holistic teaching aspects in.

Meditate. I like the way my mind works when I meditate.

Keep my bedroom clean. I don't know if depression is related to the bedroom or vice versa. If my room can't imitate my life...I;'ll fake it til it does. My bedroom is the last thing to get any love. No pun intended. I wonder what that says about me.

Change the way I eat. I have an eating disorder. Flat out. All the crap in the house will be eaten. No more crap will be bought. Chips fast food, processed noodles. Ive got a 25 pound bag of jasmine rice. We need to start eating through it to get rid of it.

mmmm jasmine rice.

The spring birds are chirping outside the window. Our parakeet is talking back. 

Birds know. 

3 February Friday

NOTE THE AUTHOR IS NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE AS A SUSTAINABLE SOURCE OF ACTION.....IF YOU FEEL THAT ENDING YOUR LIFE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!! 

Time for re alignment.Working a lot now. Last three months I've seen much of what does and doesn't work in my life. I've made some changes. Some things I haven't yet figured out.  The goals for the next three months are violent ones.

Uproot the system. This next trimester..lose 12 pounds minimum.

Meditate and blog daily.

Keep bed made and room clean  forever.

Complete nursing course.

Excersize daily.

And cut cheese,and anything deep fried out of my life forever.

Recreational activities every third day.

Simple enough.

Get busy living..or get busy dying.

31 January Tuesday....

Your survival and self motivation is grounded in mental and
spiritual faculties of which you may have little prior direct
experience.



That was the quote sent to me today by my "daily zen" service. I know it has been a while since I have blogged. The first three months were dedicated to examining what I do, why I do it, and the most effective way to change. There are some things I don't want to change. I like playing World of Warcraft. And recent arguments with both my son and father have left me questioning...everything.

I want to get back into some ritual behavior..meditation, eating, I let it slide and I felt better when I was doing it. For the first time in my life..I want better things. I wear nothing but cheap black t shirts and wal mart mens hawaiin shirts until they fall apart. I wear everything until it falls apart. I want thing that express me. I am also..203 pounds. lower than usual. If I get below 200 I think I will want to take care of my body better. I'd like to get down to 175. Im 5 ft 5, and with my build, that isnt unreasonable. People figure me for 190 or so.

I have til Sept1 st to get my nursing liscene back or it will cost me another 640 bucks. A deadline which I sorely needed.

We shall see.


Peace and brownies.

Jase.